I'm at a host home in Iowa right now. It's actually Mary's cousins apartment. Pretty nice place, it's very sheek. I've been to quite a few hotels in the past few months, it's pretty interesting to see what kind of flare they have on their walls to give you that outdoor feeling. Seriously, I think 4 out of 5 hotels has some sort of jungle theme to it. I'm not exactly sure why that is. Maybe its for us indoor kids who, you know, never like to go outside... so instead we go to hotels and experience 'the jungle'... Thats right, welcome to the jungle kids, where vines grow around glass elevators and following the forest leads you to the lobby. The hotel we stayed at this weekend was pretty fancy. The lobby had a nice wooded theme to it, complete with badgers and bears hanging on the walls. I think we counted 40 animal heads right above the check in counter. The best thing about this hotel however, were the super toilets.

You see the first thing I do when I get into a hotel room is chrisin it with a quick pee, I just kind of like to mark my territory for the weekend I guess. Anyways, upon flushing I noticed something very different about this toilet. At first, it kind of startled me but then I was awe struck by it. This was no ordinary crapper, this throne was powerful. It was a beast, A god among toilets if you will. If you stood to close to this thing, it would suck you into the next dimension. I swear I almost lost my shoes as the toilet flushed down my pee in a brilliant half a second of water wooshing away and coming back again. I gazed into the toilet with a silent respect and left the room with a sort of grin. You see I had plans for that toilet, plans to desecrate it with a poop that no toilet could suck down, not even some super jungle hotel porcelin god toilet. The toilet grinned back at me as if it were saying 'bring it on'. Little did it know, I had an ace up my sleeve.

Earlier that morning during the ten hour drive, I was experiencing some of the worst gas in my life. My stomach knotted and turned and farts were bellowing out of me like the sounds of a fog horn. Unfortunatley, I had left my tums at home, some luck huh? We pulled into a mcdonalds and I tried to dump to get this gas to settle down. I pushed, and I pushed but came up short. The crap just didn't want to come but the gases were causing my stomach so much pain that I had to do something. Luckily, John had some imodium a.d. which could solve my gas problem. However, imodium is specifically designed for the runs. Which basically means that it solidifies your crap so you can dump normally. My crap was already solidified it just wasn't making the journey out. John warned me that If I took the imodium without having the runs I could quite possibly poop a brick, if I ever poop again for that matter. Constipated, but gasey, I took the imodium knowing full well that the next poop I take may quite possibly be the most painful bowel movement I will ever experience.

Back to the hotel now. I was watching espn when it hit me. I felt it moving and a smile grabbed my face. I entered the bathroom, book in hand... staring down the toilet. I got something for you buddy I thought.... I sat down, got situated and crapped away. The toilet accepted my giant turds. One by one I dropped them in, each one splashing like a boulder falling in a lake.. I ended the attack at four solid logs of concentrated, rock hard poo. I stood up, wiped and laughed a little as I waited for feces to clog this so called super toilet. I flushed.

SWOOOSH

Again, in a half second of brillance my gigantic poo was sucked down to another world. Not even a streak mark... the thing didn't even hesitate. It was simply amazing. I wish you all could have seen it. In any normal bowl, this crap would have easily been a clogger, or at least a triple flusher. But not this one.

Right now I think we should all take a moment to honor this toilet..this throne among thrones. So toilet of room 3406 of the Chula Vista hotel in Wiscounsin Dells this ones for you... for sucking down the biggest crap I've ever taken... with the power of what seemed like a jumbo jet..

I salute you!

  posted by Darrell @ 1:38 AM